this may be the last post here. anyway, it won't matter much since i don't update here or anywhere else. because i hate how my blog looks and how i edit myself over and over thinking of the readers, who do not even exist. the point is that i edit a gazillion times until i don't even recognize myself. then i hit delete. it depresses me to be reminded that the creative process, if ever, assuming that there's any, is not as spontaneous as i want it to be. plus, the spontaneity does not always result in a coherent and relevant entry. and so i hate this blog.
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i have this new notebook. it's a 2007 planner, leather bound. a gift from a bank to my auntie. mom used the months til april then abandoned it for her lesson plans. poor overworked, underpaid mom. the months from may onwards were untouched and the fact that the first four months of the planner were already "stained" made me feel like i can write and erase all i want, without the guilt. i've been looking for a good notebook to be used as my diary, corny but i felt i had to be honest for once, and this 2007 planner is perfect. the paper's thickness is just right. i can even write something on the back side. the lines, which are important to me, are the perfect distance. the letters feel right when i write them--not too big and not too slanted. there's even a pen holder on the side and i don't lose my good pen all the time. i feel good in this notebook.
i lied when i said i don't update anywhere. i write in the notebook.
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i paid a visit to the booksale again--for the nth time this month. i just bought a rolling stone magazine because i promised not to make any impulse buy. i had three book candidates, i was weighing in my head the pros and cons of buying, but decided against buying because i don't really like the books, they were just cheap. i mean, i would have bought them if d. wasn't in such a hurry. i was with him and we had to attend this thing back home, and i only convinced him to visit booksale because i was feeling sad about losing octavina, my O2 xda.
i'm always cheered up by book stores, book sale in particular because the books are obviously cheap. two days ago, d and i had a fight and i went to the books store just to look at the books i can't afford. i even read a few pages of dolphy's memoir. i smelled rushdie's satanic verses and god of small things, which i forgot the author.
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i finally did an inventory of my books. my books being those i bought with my own money. the verdict: i need a reputable book case. d keeps asking why i like books ad why i like to buy books though i have like a ton of books unread, piled alongside the shoes and the everyhting section of the apartment. it's also a sick case of consumerism--we are measured by what we have. i can never go wrong with books in contrast with shoes (my feet were infamously caled ginger. figure out why.), or with clothes (i have the worst proportion being short and fat. ok ok. the teapot.) books make me feel good.
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the hayden kho-katrina halili scandal is getting on my nerves. what a circus it has become. the media feasted on it like a vulture savoring dead meat. and the senators. dear senators, your investigation is irrelevant. stop meddling cause you're not helping. we all know you only want your fair share of publicity. i leave the feminism to the more apt netizens. but i sympathize.
Read more...
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
fears
soon, i have to admit that i am not graduating this march. i have to tell my expectant mother that i failed to submit all the necessary requirements this sem. it's the incompletes that i was too lazy to finish. i struggled to come to class every week, knowing that i disagree with the seemingly independent rules of economics. i just know that i am too old to attend the classes. older, but not wiser.
i post this hoping that when i put my worries in words, i will start working on the unfinished papers, the thesis that has been sitting on the desk for so long.
my friends say that i am not missing a lot. most of them went to call centers just to make ends meet until they find a 'real' job in the media, as most of them are mass comm graduates. those who were lucky clinched jobs in magazines and PR, but all of them whine about having to compromise four years of journalism school. they say, that ethics is the last thing that you have to worry about. during saturday whining sessions, we all pat ourselves on the back thinking that this is, anyway, the first job, and probably the next will work out just fine.
abut after a year, my friends could not afford to switch jobs as the responsibility of providing for their families become heavier. electric bills have to be paid. someone's brother is entering UP, worried that they can not afford the P1000/unit tuition. some are moving back with their parents because renting an apartment is just too much to bear.
when confronted with problems of the 'real' life, your ideals just seem too insignificant.
Read more...
i post this hoping that when i put my worries in words, i will start working on the unfinished papers, the thesis that has been sitting on the desk for so long.
my friends say that i am not missing a lot. most of them went to call centers just to make ends meet until they find a 'real' job in the media, as most of them are mass comm graduates. those who were lucky clinched jobs in magazines and PR, but all of them whine about having to compromise four years of journalism school. they say, that ethics is the last thing that you have to worry about. during saturday whining sessions, we all pat ourselves on the back thinking that this is, anyway, the first job, and probably the next will work out just fine.
abut after a year, my friends could not afford to switch jobs as the responsibility of providing for their families become heavier. electric bills have to be paid. someone's brother is entering UP, worried that they can not afford the P1000/unit tuition. some are moving back with their parents because renting an apartment is just too much to bear.
when confronted with problems of the 'real' life, your ideals just seem too insignificant.
Read more...
Saturday, March 21, 2009
notes on rape and the RP-US relations
nicole made a statement yesterday expressing no desire to continue fighting for the rape case against lance corporal daniel smith. nicole said she “possibly lost (her) inhibitions” and became “intimate” with Smith, after drinking “alcoholic mixed drinks.”
In the statement, Nicole did not say that it wasn’t Smith who raped her. She also did not take back her previous statement that she was indeed raped. (gma news) Technically, the recantation only means withdrawal of charges, however, the statement also intended to cast doubt on the guilt of Smith.
wtf? when did this all happen?
i will not go so far as rationalizing nicole’s actions. i’m sure at this point, we all have made valid assumptions: US threatened her family, she was given millions of dollars etc. etc. i think what nicole’s actions and our consequent assumptions all boil down to the fact that this hoopla is actually a microcosm of RP and US’s relationship.
say for instance, nicole’s rape case paved the way for the re-opening and possibly deeper probing of the motives, limits and legality of the Visiting Forces Agreement (VFA). smith’s further detention at the US embassy despite his conviction show the toothlessness of our government as opposed to the super powers of our benevolent american friends. for a while, we were confused. the VFA mandates that convicted US soldiers will be tried and detained under the host country. and so the question why can’t we make smith stay in our prisons given that his sentence has been served?
nicole’s rape case also raised the question of the necessity of VFA. history will tell us that despite our so-called independence, the country was never free from the shackles of the US government, be it economic, political, even cultural. This ‘friendship’ is also strategic for the US to reinforce and constantly re-affirm their dominance in the greater East especially now that China is posing as a big threat economically and politicaly.
what do we really gain from VFA? i say we have more to lose than gain.
i can not blame nicole for saying that she abandoned the fight because country’s judicial system seemed futile. she claims she wants a better life; she wants a normal life. i do not condemn her for going to the united states to seek a more peaceful life. perhaps, it’s a practical choice, but just when rape victims felt that they had a chance, she blew by caving in.
she said she was not sure if she was raped. smith’s statements always assert/imply that nicole is not a ‘clean’ woman, thus inviting the sexual intercourse. she had it coming.
rape is rape. even prostitution is not an accepted pretext to justify rape. when you violate a woman’s body, you only not trespass her hymen, you also violate the person.
Read more...
In the statement, Nicole did not say that it wasn’t Smith who raped her. She also did not take back her previous statement that she was indeed raped. (gma news) Technically, the recantation only means withdrawal of charges, however, the statement also intended to cast doubt on the guilt of Smith.
wtf? when did this all happen?
i will not go so far as rationalizing nicole’s actions. i’m sure at this point, we all have made valid assumptions: US threatened her family, she was given millions of dollars etc. etc. i think what nicole’s actions and our consequent assumptions all boil down to the fact that this hoopla is actually a microcosm of RP and US’s relationship.
say for instance, nicole’s rape case paved the way for the re-opening and possibly deeper probing of the motives, limits and legality of the Visiting Forces Agreement (VFA). smith’s further detention at the US embassy despite his conviction show the toothlessness of our government as opposed to the super powers of our benevolent american friends. for a while, we were confused. the VFA mandates that convicted US soldiers will be tried and detained under the host country. and so the question why can’t we make smith stay in our prisons given that his sentence has been served?
nicole’s rape case also raised the question of the necessity of VFA. history will tell us that despite our so-called independence, the country was never free from the shackles of the US government, be it economic, political, even cultural. This ‘friendship’ is also strategic for the US to reinforce and constantly re-affirm their dominance in the greater East especially now that China is posing as a big threat economically and politicaly.
what do we really gain from VFA? i say we have more to lose than gain.
i can not blame nicole for saying that she abandoned the fight because country’s judicial system seemed futile. she claims she wants a better life; she wants a normal life. i do not condemn her for going to the united states to seek a more peaceful life. perhaps, it’s a practical choice, but just when rape victims felt that they had a chance, she blew by caving in.
she said she was not sure if she was raped. smith’s statements always assert/imply that nicole is not a ‘clean’ woman, thus inviting the sexual intercourse. she had it coming.
rape is rape. even prostitution is not an accepted pretext to justify rape. when you violate a woman’s body, you only not trespass her hymen, you also violate the person.
Read more...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
raprotest
wow. rap music.
hindi ako mahilig sa rap. lalo na noong nauso 'yung sulotera ng gagong rapper, o si gagong rapper mismo na mahilig kumanta tumgkol sa mga quickie at marami pang iba na hindi gugustuhing marinig ng lola mong member ng apostolda ng panalangin. kung bakit ayaw ko sa kaniya/kanila, ay isang hiwalay na kuwento.
pa-surf surf ako sa net ng ma-stumble upon ko ito. sa kaliwang tenga ay pinatutugtog ang music mula sa intergalactic album ng beastie boys at sa kanan naman ay nagrarap si ratatat. ang galing nung epekto. para kang niloloko lang pero hindi. ito 'yung ilan sa mga bagay na to hear is to believe.
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biyernes santo noong una akong makinig ng isang album ng isang rap artist. marshall mathers III, eminem, slim shady. ipinahiram nung kapitbahay naming si kuya ronald. medyo takot na takot pa nga akong pakinggan 'yun sa araw na patay si Kristo kasi walang hanggang terror foreboding daw ang aabutin ko. nung nakatalikod si papa, isinalang ko sa karaoke at mahinang pinakinggan.
hmm..ok. 'pag binabalikan ko ngayon, pasensya sa mga eminem purists, ang sinasabi lang naman pala ni eminem ay kung paano siya nakaahon mula sa "shitty" niyang buhay, na-discriminate sa rap scene dahil nga puti s'ya at kadalasan mga itim ang lehitimong rapper. balita ko mula sa rolling stone medyo nagmature na 'yung huli niyang album at may tangka pa ngang i-mock ang homophobia.
"You are the ink to my paper/What my pen is to my pad/The moral, the very fiber, the whole substance of my rap," crazy in love, eminem
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ewan ko ba kung bakit 'yung mainstream na rap na naririnig natin ay puro tungkol sa sex and violence. because sex and violence sells?
malayo na sa subersibong pinagmulan ng hip hop culture. sabi nga ni dave ng daveyd.com, anumang musikang nag-ugat sa sa mga black community ay palaging repleksyon o/at epekto ng kalagayang sosyal, pulitikal at pang-ekonomiya. dahil nga inaapi-api 'yung mga black noon, lalo na sa states, nagresort sila sa paglikha ng sarili nilang art: graffitti, break dance, rap. tapos nauso 'yung maluluwag na damit kasi karamihan sa mga blacks noon sumasambot ng grasya mula sa salvation army. marami sa mga damit galing dito, maluwag pa sa kipay ni rosanna roces sa ang babaeng walang pahinga.
pero naggagaling-galingan na lang ako kasi hindi ko talaga alam 'yung history nila.
Read more...
hindi ako mahilig sa rap. lalo na noong nauso 'yung sulotera ng gagong rapper, o si gagong rapper mismo na mahilig kumanta tumgkol sa mga quickie at marami pang iba na hindi gugustuhing marinig ng lola mong member ng apostolda ng panalangin. kung bakit ayaw ko sa kaniya/kanila, ay isang hiwalay na kuwento.
pa-surf surf ako sa net ng ma-stumble upon ko ito. sa kaliwang tenga ay pinatutugtog ang music mula sa intergalactic album ng beastie boys at sa kanan naman ay nagrarap si ratatat. ang galing nung epekto. para kang niloloko lang pero hindi. ito 'yung ilan sa mga bagay na to hear is to believe.
-----------------------------
biyernes santo noong una akong makinig ng isang album ng isang rap artist. marshall mathers III, eminem, slim shady. ipinahiram nung kapitbahay naming si kuya ronald. medyo takot na takot pa nga akong pakinggan 'yun sa araw na patay si Kristo kasi walang hanggang terror foreboding daw ang aabutin ko. nung nakatalikod si papa, isinalang ko sa karaoke at mahinang pinakinggan.
hmm..ok. 'pag binabalikan ko ngayon, pasensya sa mga eminem purists, ang sinasabi lang naman pala ni eminem ay kung paano siya nakaahon mula sa "shitty" niyang buhay, na-discriminate sa rap scene dahil nga puti s'ya at kadalasan mga itim ang lehitimong rapper. balita ko mula sa rolling stone medyo nagmature na 'yung huli niyang album at may tangka pa ngang i-mock ang homophobia.
"You are the ink to my paper/What my pen is to my pad/The moral, the very fiber, the whole substance of my rap," crazy in love, eminem
-----------------------------
ewan ko ba kung bakit 'yung mainstream na rap na naririnig natin ay puro tungkol sa sex and violence. because sex and violence sells?
malayo na sa subersibong pinagmulan ng hip hop culture. sabi nga ni dave ng daveyd.com, anumang musikang nag-ugat sa sa mga black community ay palaging repleksyon o/at epekto ng kalagayang sosyal, pulitikal at pang-ekonomiya. dahil nga inaapi-api 'yung mga black noon, lalo na sa states, nagresort sila sa paglikha ng sarili nilang art: graffitti, break dance, rap. tapos nauso 'yung maluluwag na damit kasi karamihan sa mga blacks noon sumasambot ng grasya mula sa salvation army. marami sa mga damit galing dito, maluwag pa sa kipay ni rosanna roces sa ang babaeng walang pahinga.
pero naggagaling-galingan na lang ako kasi hindi ko talaga alam 'yung history nila.
Read more...
Saturday, February 28, 2009
isang hapon sa annapolis
kanina tinalunton ko ang kahabaan ng annapolis st. sa may santolan para kubrahin ang sweldo ko sa pagtututor. medyo mahaba-haba rin ang nilakad ko mula sa Edsa dahil hindi ko talaga alam kung saan ba 'yung pupuntahan ko. sobrang init talaga kanina, akala ko nga ay nasa africa na ako at kahalubilo na ang mga hyena. isinuot ko ang power dress ko na hanggang gitna lamang ng hita ko ang haba, na tinernuhan ng isang simple at mumurahing tsinelas. bandang alas-kuwatro, pabalik na ako mula sa pagkubra, malakas na ang hangin ng bahagya at sa katuwaan ko ay hindi na rin ganoon kainit ang panahon.
masaya akong naglakad bitbit ang kakarampot kong nakubra mula sa pagtuturo ng ingles sa estudyante kong koreano. kung may camera siguro sa paligid, aakalain mong kapareha ako ni charlie chaplin sa singing in the rain na pakanta-kanta talaga. pero naputol ang euphoria ko dahil isang grup ng kalalakihan ang walang pagpapanggap na tinitigan ang legs ko at nagkomento na sana raw ay lumakas pa ang hangin. wala akong makitang magandang dahilan para tingnan nilang parang ulam ang mataba at maiksi kong legs. ang ikinagulat at ikinainis ko talaga ay ang garapal na pagtrato ng mga lalaking iyon sa akin at sa mabibintog kong hita bilang bagay na tila ba hiwalay sa kabuuan ko bilang tao. isa pang hindi ko kinaya ay 'yunghindi sila nag-abalang itago ang paninilip nila at buong giliw pa nila itong pinagkuwentuhan.
sasabihin siguro ng mga konserbatibo na ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit ako "nabastos." una sa lahat ay hindi ako dapat magsuot ng maiksing bestida daahil nag-iimbita lamang ako ng mga matang mamimyesta sa aking pata. hindi kasalanan ng mata na nakakakita ito ng kamunduhan. para sa akin, karapatan kong magsuot ng kumportableng damit na hindi hinuhusgahan base sa haba ng laylayan. higit na dapat nating tingnan mula sa karanasang ito ay bakit ba nakikita bilang "object of desire" ang katawan ng babae, mas malala pa ay ang pagtrato ng mga lalaki dito bilang isang bagay na kasangkapan sa pag-abot sa rurok ng kaligayahan. (haha.ako rin ay natawa dito.)
na-conscious din naman ako dahil wala ngang K ang mga hita kong rumampa sa annapolis. baka naman ang pinagbubulungan pala ng mga lalaking nakasalubong ko ay ang circumference ng hita ko.
Read more...
masaya akong naglakad bitbit ang kakarampot kong nakubra mula sa pagtuturo ng ingles sa estudyante kong koreano. kung may camera siguro sa paligid, aakalain mong kapareha ako ni charlie chaplin sa singing in the rain na pakanta-kanta talaga. pero naputol ang euphoria ko dahil isang grup ng kalalakihan ang walang pagpapanggap na tinitigan ang legs ko at nagkomento na sana raw ay lumakas pa ang hangin. wala akong makitang magandang dahilan para tingnan nilang parang ulam ang mataba at maiksi kong legs. ang ikinagulat at ikinainis ko talaga ay ang garapal na pagtrato ng mga lalaking iyon sa akin at sa mabibintog kong hita bilang bagay na tila ba hiwalay sa kabuuan ko bilang tao. isa pang hindi ko kinaya ay 'yunghindi sila nag-abalang itago ang paninilip nila at buong giliw pa nila itong pinagkuwentuhan.
sasabihin siguro ng mga konserbatibo na ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit ako "nabastos." una sa lahat ay hindi ako dapat magsuot ng maiksing bestida daahil nag-iimbita lamang ako ng mga matang mamimyesta sa aking pata. hindi kasalanan ng mata na nakakakita ito ng kamunduhan. para sa akin, karapatan kong magsuot ng kumportableng damit na hindi hinuhusgahan base sa haba ng laylayan. higit na dapat nating tingnan mula sa karanasang ito ay bakit ba nakikita bilang "object of desire" ang katawan ng babae, mas malala pa ay ang pagtrato ng mga lalaki dito bilang isang bagay na kasangkapan sa pag-abot sa rurok ng kaligayahan. (haha.ako rin ay natawa dito.)
na-conscious din naman ako dahil wala ngang K ang mga hita kong rumampa sa annapolis. baka naman ang pinagbubulungan pala ng mga lalaking nakasalubong ko ay ang circumference ng hita ko.
Read more...
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